Ryans Story: Part 4 Love, marriage and guilt.

So I have met the girl who is to become my future wife. I have gone from being a complete virgin to having some of the wildest sex imaginable. We did it everywhere and at any time. She is multi-orgasmic, relentless and extremely aggressive. I have scratches on my back, bruises all over. She is screaming like hell whenever she orgasms. Its the best sex I have ever heard of. But there is a problem. She is a rape victim and whilst the memory of the rape has healed over leaving just scar tissue the impact of trying to cope with that trauma lives on. She is highly emotional. At first I think that perhaps it is due to the break up of her previous relationship - I only find out later about the rape. The emotional problems don't get better - she is often completely irrational. After a year I decide I can't take it any more and walk out. She wants me back so I tell her I'll come back if she seeks professional help. Big mistake. Now I am making myself partly reponsible for whatever happens to her and this will colour our relationship for ever.

Over a two year period I help her deal with her problems - we spend a lot of time with counsellors and therapists, I help her get a better job and help her pay off her debts, we work together to get her off the anti-depressants. At the end of this period she is much better - she is at least bearable to live with. We have been together for a few years - she wants to know where she stands. I do not ask myself if I love her enough to marry her, I ask myself if I can take the guilt if I walk out on her, let her down, and watch her life fall apart again? I can't so we get married. I reason that if I give her the house and the kids she wants she will overcome her remaining emotional problems and be close to perfect. It doesn't work. After the kids are born she cannot cope full time. I have to work in a demanding job and look after her and the kids the rest of the time. Sex comes to a stop. Not unusual after kids but more than 2 years later it still hasn't come back. We are back in therapy again and again. None of it works. After 4 years our marriage is still sexless. My wife fends off even the most innocent of advances so there isn't any intimacy at all, not even the smallest kiss or cuddle. I sink into a deep depression. I am stuck in a sexless, loveless marriage, I cannot cope with looking after the kids with little help, I am constantly tired. I feel like God has played a massive joke on me. I fantasise about suicide.

Watch out for Part 5 where I get sexually assaulted!

Comments

Only site members can place comments. Please, login first, if you want to submit a comment.