Reasons
I tried to sleep on things last night, but as always happens when your mind is inundated with thoughts, visions, ideas, and fluff you can' sleep. So I mused, for many hours, and I'm still in my bed as I write this. Besides, isn't musing better than sleeping for working stuff and things through? To be honest, I'm not sure. Some of the best decisions are made without thinking about them.I was supposed to go to a meeting in college this morning. I thought it was at 11:00 due to this strike, so at 9:25, i checked the room location, and discovered, that at the last minute thay had moved it back to 10:00!!, which would be impossible to make at that kinda time. So I sent my apologies, and stayed in bed, to muse some more.
I started to reason that to really untangle the mess that is my head (ok, to remove the knot that is this work amongst the tangle in my head), that I needed to understand why I'm drawn to this. As I said before, its not the first time I've ever worked, and to be perfectly honest, I didn't have the best experience before hand, yet I'm still drawn back. Why?
Ok, so now that I know I am drawn to do this, does it matter why? Does it matter if there are no bad reasons? If there are any bad reasons, then does it matter? (Is that a circular argument that i can use for self justification, probably not).
Today, I have decided, given that I start university tomorrow, and probably work on wednesday, it is absolutley essential that I clean my room. So as soon as this entry is complete I'm going to start this arduous task, I promise.
I'm struggling to think of bad reasons. After all, its my body, its my perogative, if I'm happy, then who cares. But isn't it more complicated than that? I guess. But thats heading down a different road, one for another Seattle night.
Do I need to know why I want to be an escort. I mean truly, deeply know what draws me back. Can there be any bad reasons? And most importantly of all, am I going to clean my room?
Sarah xx
Added on: 01/09/06 07:56
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Anyway, these people would be instructed to do something (in writing, I think), and they'd do it, but if you asked them they wouldn't know why they'd done it. They'd come up with a reason though, something like "I wanted to get some juice", and believe it. I thought it sounded weird, everyone does, but several months later I realised that I do it, and everyone else probably does too. I noticed with something small, my housemate asked me if I was feeling alright and I said yeah, I'm just a bit tired. Then I realised that that wasn't it at all, she'd just told me the shower still wasn't working, and not being able to shower in the morning makes me grumpy. Then I realised that when I explain why I am the way I am (because I do feel a need to, even if I don't tell anyone), what I'm doing is coming up with explinations that sound plausible to me. They might be true, they might not, I have no idea.
We all self-analyise, and it's good to examine your feelings, but self-analysis is unreliable. You probably won't be able to find the reasons for you wanting to escort, but you'll know if it's working for you.
I totally get what you mean about the need to seff justify and come up with excuses, im sure i do it all the time!!